Gladys Kravitz Sees Joggers. All Day Long.

gladysNext to dog walkers, and regular walkers, the second most frequent passers-by my window are joggers. I don’t want to make anyone self-conscious here, but I’ve become a keen observer of and categorizer of joggitude.

For example, there is the guy who runs 20 feet, stops, walks, stops, then runs 20 feet. There is barbell lady. There is the guy who is VERY UPRIGHT when he runs, and I wonder if it’s something that helps him get more out of the activity, like run/walk man and barbell lady, or if his back hurts. I hope his back doesn’t hurt.

Also, I miss beloved characters who no longer come past my house en route to the park. Where is ski pole lady? Is she okay?

There are some things that puzzle me about joggers. For one, why do they hate the sidewalk so much? Is it the fear of stepping on a crack and breaking mother’s back? I don’t mind it on my street, because it rarely has traffic on it, but I do find myself angry, so very angry, at joggers who run in the street on narrow and/or busy streets. You do realize cars have no other place to go, right? And you do?

Jogging attire also fascinates me. Why would you need special clothes? I understand non-constrictive clothing, because you need movement. I understand the need to stay cool (as long as you cover your armpits, as previously discussed). I am grateful I have yet to see this go flapping by: open_cut_joggers

But specifically, I’d like to address the subject of spandex (bikers, this goes for you, too.)

I enjoy natural casing sausage as much as the next person, but something about spandex-clad people sweating makes me very uncomfortable. I know they are now probably made of space-age polymers and all sorts of modern magic now, but I can’t help but remember the polyester of my childhood in all its moisture-trapping glory.

Additionally, and I know I am not breaking any new ground here, but spandex tends to cling to and accentuate one’s most bulbous and protruding personal areas. I have noted this in passing to some others in the neighborhood, to quote the old Playtex bra commercial, it “lifts and separates.”

To demonstrate what I mean, please enjoy this Simpsons-based video that should make the matter abundantly clear:

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About susiecarroll

I threw off the yoke of corporate oppression for the apron of domestic aggression
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One Response to Gladys Kravitz Sees Joggers. All Day Long.

  1. monkeyinmaine says:

    Stupid Sexy Flanders. I for one, am not only relieved, but celebrating the fact that Hunk Wear has not invaded my leafy suburb yet. And no, that’s not a euphemism.

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